ACTUAL PHRASES FOUND ON RESUMES...

• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• “I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Marital status: often. Children: various."
• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
• "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
• "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."