NEW YORK [could this also be Jackson?] DRIVING RULES

Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few
minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.
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