50th BIRTHDAY PRESENT

Dear Diary...

For my 50th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary of my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute that to standing next to him. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time while he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it worthwhile.

I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to stear or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is very annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other idiotic nonsense too.

Thursday:

Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then as punishment, put me on the rowing machine...which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that nasal droning, self-satisfied Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer like the drama coach or director?

Saturday:

Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the moron) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.